Jim Lemoine
May 11, 2004, 01:38 pm
<a href="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/4images/data/media/185/newxmen114.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.comixfan.com/xfan/4images/data/thumbnails/185/newxmen114.jpg" border=0 align=left alt="New X-Men #114"></a>HAIKU OF JEMAS or THERE ONCE WAS A WRITER NAMED GRANT....
by the ComiX-Fan Staff Writers and Dinner Theatre Troupe
Greetings, Culture Lovers!
With the official end of the three-year Jemas/Quesada revamp at the hands of this month's Whedon-helmed Reload, the ComiX-Fan staff writers sought desperately for the best way to commemorate the passing of an era. Opinions were many and varied, and the only thing we could agree on was disagreement. Eric J. Moreels, the CXF Editor-In-Chief, wanted a thoughtful and in-depth look at what's come and gone - the rest of us were afraid we might get bored, so we scrapped the idea of trying to be meaningful. Brian E. Wilkinson, the site's Managing Editor, suggested a special column entitled X-Treme Rocks Your Momma's Booty Something Awful, but we didn't want to insult any Mommas who might be reading the feature, so that got scrapped too. Resources Contributor Axel Cluney suggested a tribute to all the mutants who passed away during the past three years, but we all just laughed at him.
And then, of course, the answer struck us all: nothing says love like limericks. And haikus. And haikus and limericks written while under the influence of subtly mind-altering substances.
So some of the best writers on ComiX-Fan came together and conceived and presented a plethora of meaningful poetry. Meanwhile, the rest of us were so busy laughing at the opportunities inherent in a limerick that begins with, "There once was a writer named Chuck," that all the good writers got sick of listening to our childish giggles and left, taking their poetry with them.
Which means, sadly, you're left with the rest of us, dear reader.
So read on, as your favorite columnists, reviewers, and resourcers generously contribute their mind-boggling limericks and haikus to this body of public literature. You'll read about Wolverine, Emma Frost, Iceman, Chamber, Storm, the X-Statix, Mystique, Agent X, the Exiles, donuts, carrots, pink slips, sliced bread, amateur home porn, and... ah... dingleberries. Fun stuff, we assure you. And before anyone gets insulted, keep in mind that all of this is in Good Fun, and any opinions represented within are solely the opinions of the writer in question, and are not necessarily representative of the opinions of ComiX-Fan, Eric Moreels, Brian E. Wilkinson, myself, the other writers, or anybody who actually matters.
Got it? Good. I leave you then, to sample the literary wit of the ComiX-Fan poets. Remember to vote for your favorite laureate when you're done, and for God's sake, try to think of something else that rhymes with "Chuck," huh?
--Jim Lemoine, who I assure you is somehow the ComiX-Fan Columns Editor
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the adequately witty Al Harahap:
There once was an X-Man named 'Ro
Who wanted to have her own go
Her mini was written
Few readers were smitten
So X-Treme fans were force-fed her solo
Emma's origin
So confusing, how to sell?
Spread legs on cover.
Nurse Annie, come look
Shiny metal pins on ground
Open eyes, look close...
Hank's fat new fingers
Can't hold things, X-Men take turns
Trim dingleberries.
They told us we'd get fewer X-books
Yet this May that's not how it looks
But the execs said: So?
Just go on with the show!
'Cause they'll all be lapped up by the mooks
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the a little witty Anthony Lucynski:
There's once was a merc' with a mouth
Whose sales, unfortunatley, went south.
Simone and UDON saved the day
For Agent X, they paved the way
"It didnt work" my ass.
Everything with an X will sell, they say
Cancel three titles, re-launch away!
But that didnt quite work,
Made Quesada look like a jerk,
DC Exclusive Contracts today!!
Fantomex is here
Wolverine is a number
Confused yet? You bet!
Costumes are a thing of the past
Leather and Jackets would last
But Jemas got a pink slip
And Buckley don't take no lip
So return to the costumes real fast!
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the detectably witty Dave Harris:
There once was a writer named Grant,
In whose comics logic was scant.
The books made no sense,
The readers felt dense,
And so we were stuck with pedants.
We've heard outcries from many a sk8er;
Because of deaths they've called Tieri a hater.
He's been called to the Hague
But the killing's were vague
So we know we can bring them back later.
Diana's death was a tragedy,
And Milligan would feature it candidly.
But so it's not abused,
Marvel poo-poos.
Ask Al and he'll say 'twas a travesty.
There once was a writer named Chuck,
Who crossed over with some Canucks.
The battle was bloody;
Was that really Juggie?
Let's thank God he didn't write Puck.
Conquered world. What next?
I must find something to do.
I know---Storm as queen!
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the just a bit witty Joel Phillips:
I’m so sick and so tired of Grant,
who for all of his talent just can’t
tell a tale of his own
or leave Phoenix alone
and just gives old CC a new slant.
I’m so sick and so tired of Chuck,
whose stories (for rhyming's sake) suck.
His writing is choppy,
his plotting is sloppy…
we lost Casey for this? Oh, what luck.
I’m so sick and so tired of Chris,
and it pains me a lot to say this:
for the last couple years
his work bores me to tears
and the eighties I’m starting to miss.
I’m so sick and tired of X-Men.
The franchise should just die… but what then?
Where would all of us go?
Well, what I want to know…
will this line EVER be good again?
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the just barely witty Jon Hancock (a.k.a. Jonberg):
X titles been bad
only Exiles made me grin
hooray for Mimic
Morrison finished
not sure about Phoenix egg
Cassandra rocked hard
Austen has some fans
most think he's a complete fool
Marvel still loves him
Slash Slash Slash Slash Slash
Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang and laughs
Looks like Gail's come back
School doesn't have to be such a chore,
When you've got beaks and flys and more!
At recess we fly
and play teleporting eye spy,
But the Head Mistress is a skanky...bossy boots.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poem was submitted by the little bit witty Linsey Duncan:
Wolverine's not supposed to be pretty.
Squat sells just as well and it's gritty.
And while Hugh Jackman's hot,
Innovation we sought,
And the re-imaging's really a pity.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the moderately Michael Fisch:
Mutants Rise Anew,
Phoenix Must Be Infectious...
Please, No Dark Iceman.
There once was a writer named Chuck,
Who, as a writer, people say, "SUCK!"
Continuity defied,
The fanboys will cry,
"To read this you should pay ME a buck!"
Storm recruited the brother-sister team
Who called themselves Lifeguard and Slipstream
Fans shunned them at the gate,
Begone, Baywatch and Sharkbait!
They were too pretty to be mutants, it seems.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poem was submitted by the nearly measurably witty Mitch Brown:
It started with Chuck's sister, stillborn
Then we met a new mutie named Xorn
But what brings tears to my eye
When I think of Grant's run gone by
Is how I'll miss Cyke and Emma's home porn
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the not noticeably witty Nick Costanzo:
There is not a God
Such crimes diminish all hope
Agent X Cancelled
Chuck Austen... funny?
Well... what says "humor" more than
Kurt's two penises?
Chamber rocks so hard
But he rarely gets respect
Thanks Brian and Frank
I read the Draco
Mr. Austen, I say this
Goddamnit, just stop
Crawlers! Evil Beast!
I don't know what it all means!!!!
I need some acid...
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the partially witty Patrick James:
Iceman was once a cool cat,
His powers were cooler than "phat"
But then they regressed,
Enveloped his chest,
While Northstar cried out, "I want that!"
Betsy gets skewered,
Doubtful return, but wait, see,
Myst'ry Telepath.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poem was submitted by the tolerably witty Tom Toner:
I'm Bishop, the cop
I like to dunk my donuts
Why? Cause I'm a cop
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the, well, kind of witty William Claypool:
Kia, Tan, Austen
Marvel’s breakout superstars
Sliced bread still better
Uncanny was once written by Joe Casey
Unpopularity had him saying, “Goodnight, Gracie”
Chuck Austen comes in
Makes X-Men soapy again
But Warren and Paige aren’t even Joey and Pacey
Raven Darkholme makes bad guys pay
A mutant James Bond in her own way
She’s Xavier’s new spy boo
Makes fans say Tessa who
And can Mys my Tique any day.
Confucius once said
A carrot can feel pain. Yeah.
No wait that was Beak
by the ComiX-Fan Staff Writers and Dinner Theatre Troupe
Greetings, Culture Lovers!
With the official end of the three-year Jemas/Quesada revamp at the hands of this month's Whedon-helmed Reload, the ComiX-Fan staff writers sought desperately for the best way to commemorate the passing of an era. Opinions were many and varied, and the only thing we could agree on was disagreement. Eric J. Moreels, the CXF Editor-In-Chief, wanted a thoughtful and in-depth look at what's come and gone - the rest of us were afraid we might get bored, so we scrapped the idea of trying to be meaningful. Brian E. Wilkinson, the site's Managing Editor, suggested a special column entitled X-Treme Rocks Your Momma's Booty Something Awful, but we didn't want to insult any Mommas who might be reading the feature, so that got scrapped too. Resources Contributor Axel Cluney suggested a tribute to all the mutants who passed away during the past three years, but we all just laughed at him.
And then, of course, the answer struck us all: nothing says love like limericks. And haikus. And haikus and limericks written while under the influence of subtly mind-altering substances.
So some of the best writers on ComiX-Fan came together and conceived and presented a plethora of meaningful poetry. Meanwhile, the rest of us were so busy laughing at the opportunities inherent in a limerick that begins with, "There once was a writer named Chuck," that all the good writers got sick of listening to our childish giggles and left, taking their poetry with them.
Which means, sadly, you're left with the rest of us, dear reader.
So read on, as your favorite columnists, reviewers, and resourcers generously contribute their mind-boggling limericks and haikus to this body of public literature. You'll read about Wolverine, Emma Frost, Iceman, Chamber, Storm, the X-Statix, Mystique, Agent X, the Exiles, donuts, carrots, pink slips, sliced bread, amateur home porn, and... ah... dingleberries. Fun stuff, we assure you. And before anyone gets insulted, keep in mind that all of this is in Good Fun, and any opinions represented within are solely the opinions of the writer in question, and are not necessarily representative of the opinions of ComiX-Fan, Eric Moreels, Brian E. Wilkinson, myself, the other writers, or anybody who actually matters.
Got it? Good. I leave you then, to sample the literary wit of the ComiX-Fan poets. Remember to vote for your favorite laureate when you're done, and for God's sake, try to think of something else that rhymes with "Chuck," huh?
--Jim Lemoine, who I assure you is somehow the ComiX-Fan Columns Editor
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the adequately witty Al Harahap:
There once was an X-Man named 'Ro
Who wanted to have her own go
Her mini was written
Few readers were smitten
So X-Treme fans were force-fed her solo
Emma's origin
So confusing, how to sell?
Spread legs on cover.
Nurse Annie, come look
Shiny metal pins on ground
Open eyes, look close...
Hank's fat new fingers
Can't hold things, X-Men take turns
Trim dingleberries.
They told us we'd get fewer X-books
Yet this May that's not how it looks
But the execs said: So?
Just go on with the show!
'Cause they'll all be lapped up by the mooks
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the a little witty Anthony Lucynski:
There's once was a merc' with a mouth
Whose sales, unfortunatley, went south.
Simone and UDON saved the day
For Agent X, they paved the way
"It didnt work" my ass.
Everything with an X will sell, they say
Cancel three titles, re-launch away!
But that didnt quite work,
Made Quesada look like a jerk,
DC Exclusive Contracts today!!
Fantomex is here
Wolverine is a number
Confused yet? You bet!
Costumes are a thing of the past
Leather and Jackets would last
But Jemas got a pink slip
And Buckley don't take no lip
So return to the costumes real fast!
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the detectably witty Dave Harris:
There once was a writer named Grant,
In whose comics logic was scant.
The books made no sense,
The readers felt dense,
And so we were stuck with pedants.
We've heard outcries from many a sk8er;
Because of deaths they've called Tieri a hater.
He's been called to the Hague
But the killing's were vague
So we know we can bring them back later.
Diana's death was a tragedy,
And Milligan would feature it candidly.
But so it's not abused,
Marvel poo-poos.
Ask Al and he'll say 'twas a travesty.
There once was a writer named Chuck,
Who crossed over with some Canucks.
The battle was bloody;
Was that really Juggie?
Let's thank God he didn't write Puck.
Conquered world. What next?
I must find something to do.
I know---Storm as queen!
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the just a bit witty Joel Phillips:
I’m so sick and so tired of Grant,
who for all of his talent just can’t
tell a tale of his own
or leave Phoenix alone
and just gives old CC a new slant.
I’m so sick and so tired of Chuck,
whose stories (for rhyming's sake) suck.
His writing is choppy,
his plotting is sloppy…
we lost Casey for this? Oh, what luck.
I’m so sick and so tired of Chris,
and it pains me a lot to say this:
for the last couple years
his work bores me to tears
and the eighties I’m starting to miss.
I’m so sick and tired of X-Men.
The franchise should just die… but what then?
Where would all of us go?
Well, what I want to know…
will this line EVER be good again?
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the just barely witty Jon Hancock (a.k.a. Jonberg):
X titles been bad
only Exiles made me grin
hooray for Mimic
Morrison finished
not sure about Phoenix egg
Cassandra rocked hard
Austen has some fans
most think he's a complete fool
Marvel still loves him
Slash Slash Slash Slash Slash
Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang and laughs
Looks like Gail's come back
School doesn't have to be such a chore,
When you've got beaks and flys and more!
At recess we fly
and play teleporting eye spy,
But the Head Mistress is a skanky...bossy boots.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poem was submitted by the little bit witty Linsey Duncan:
Wolverine's not supposed to be pretty.
Squat sells just as well and it's gritty.
And while Hugh Jackman's hot,
Innovation we sought,
And the re-imaging's really a pity.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the moderately Michael Fisch:
Mutants Rise Anew,
Phoenix Must Be Infectious...
Please, No Dark Iceman.
There once was a writer named Chuck,
Who, as a writer, people say, "SUCK!"
Continuity defied,
The fanboys will cry,
"To read this you should pay ME a buck!"
Storm recruited the brother-sister team
Who called themselves Lifeguard and Slipstream
Fans shunned them at the gate,
Begone, Baywatch and Sharkbait!
They were too pretty to be mutants, it seems.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poem was submitted by the nearly measurably witty Mitch Brown:
It started with Chuck's sister, stillborn
Then we met a new mutie named Xorn
But what brings tears to my eye
When I think of Grant's run gone by
Is how I'll miss Cyke and Emma's home porn
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the not noticeably witty Nick Costanzo:
There is not a God
Such crimes diminish all hope
Agent X Cancelled
Chuck Austen... funny?
Well... what says "humor" more than
Kurt's two penises?
Chamber rocks so hard
But he rarely gets respect
Thanks Brian and Frank
I read the Draco
Mr. Austen, I say this
Goddamnit, just stop
Crawlers! Evil Beast!
I don't know what it all means!!!!
I need some acid...
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the partially witty Patrick James:
Iceman was once a cool cat,
His powers were cooler than "phat"
But then they regressed,
Enveloped his chest,
While Northstar cried out, "I want that!"
Betsy gets skewered,
Doubtful return, but wait, see,
Myst'ry Telepath.
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poem was submitted by the tolerably witty Tom Toner:
I'm Bishop, the cop
I like to dunk my donuts
Why? Cause I'm a cop
<center><hr width=75%></center>
The following poems were submitted by the, well, kind of witty William Claypool:
Kia, Tan, Austen
Marvel’s breakout superstars
Sliced bread still better
Uncanny was once written by Joe Casey
Unpopularity had him saying, “Goodnight, Gracie”
Chuck Austen comes in
Makes X-Men soapy again
But Warren and Paige aren’t even Joey and Pacey
Raven Darkholme makes bad guys pay
A mutant James Bond in her own way
She’s Xavier’s new spy boo
Makes fans say Tessa who
And can Mys my Tique any day.
Confucius once said
A carrot can feel pain. Yeah.
No wait that was Beak